literature

Letting Go

Deviation Actions

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Literature Text

A cigarette, a lighter, and a spark lit the twilight. The lamp swaying over their heads had stopped working long before they came, settling for a sweeping shadow instead. Beneath it, a sheet of dust saturated the table, and through the grimy glass, hungry fingers of sunlight searched desultory menus not worth a glimpse. The sun burned furiously. But it was not what anyone would name a bright day. A simple glance out the window earned only a melancholy view; tense and resigned to rip at the next sign of stress, the streets were worn and strung together by threads, the frayed edges reminiscent of a dilapidated security blanket. The restaurant and everything in it? Completely vapid.
It hadn't always been that way.
The worst part of it wasn't the lack of what they had once known there. It was the absence of what had been delicately and flawlessly crafted as a result of the time they spent there. That sacred relic had recently been broken, but the tension had existed long before. With so many shards to recollect, both knew, somewhere in the depths of their hearts, that it was ultimately inconsolable.
They had come there to speak. But staring vacantly at whatever their roaming thoughts pricked, neither of them could harness a word from their jumbled thoughts. Not for a very long time.

Dillon watched the bubbles in his Dr. Pepper swim to the top before dissipating, the air sucking their lungs away, and puffed on a cigarette to steel his own. Somehow, some things still remained. Zoran dragged a finger through the dust. He looked up, not surprised to find his friend's eyes in a place somewhere far from here.

“Remember when I tried to get you to dance with that girl?” Zoran asked. The snap of the neck of silence made him wince, but he didn't let the resounding cracks of vertebrae stop him. “That was hilarious.”

“Maybe to you.” Dillon rolled his eyes. He didn't spare a look Zoran's way.

“I thought Del was gonna die, she was laughing so hard.”

“Del? You were the one on the floor.”

Zoran snickered, flicking breaths, memories, and heartbeats around the shell of what once was. “We made a lot of memories here.”

Dillon confirmed his consensus with a nod.

“You took...her here on your first official date, didn't you?” Zoran almost regretted the question, but given the circumstances, he found it hard. Dillon closed his lids, and a smile lighter than first love flitted onto his lips.

“No,” he replied. Each word was precisely clipped, acutely measured. “This was always a place for you and me. Not Felicity.”

“C'mon, Dillon, really? You know better than anyone. Always doesn't exist.” Zoran pushed his fingers through his mousy brown hair. “Nothing lasts forever.”

“You told me off for saying that.”

“Because as far as I was concerned, you were wrong then. Things change.” Dillon's emerald gaze finally fell on his friend when he paused. “And so do people.”

With a final tear of smoke, Dillon extinguished the tip of his cigarette on the table. Where it hugged the metal, a circle of black ash devoured the dust. He said nothing, but looked down at the bench by his side, where his messenger bag waited for him- an obedient animal ready to serve his master through to whatever grim end might be waiting. Zoran knew what was inside. And for once, he almost wished he didn't know something about his best friend. It was part of the reason they were now sitting in the exoskeleton of what was once the life of their friendship.

“I figured you out, y'know,” Zoran continued. “Your cigarettes.” He looped his arm around the back of the booth, picking up on the subtle shift in Dillon's passive expression. “You aren't the only idiot with access to the lab. I snuck in after you one day. Tried one out.” His smile vanished.  “They weren't what I thought they were.”

“When did you know?”

His scoff rung with too-long-disguised animosity. “Found out when you were with...Felicity. And that was when I was sure you were gone.” He tapped his boot monotonously on the floor. “Releases endorphins, lowers heart rate, evens breathing. Makes you numb. I can't believe you didn't tell me. All that time, you were on freaking drugs.”

“No,” Dillon said quietly. His dark hair curtained the emotion clouding his eyes.

“No, he says. If they aren't drugs, then what the hell are they? Honestly?”

The darker of the two sighed, a sound thoroughly chopped and minced. “What do you think?”

“I know,” Zoran said. “I want to hear it from you. And then I want to know why.”

Dillon made no alteration in the field of his face, as if there were nothing there worth fixing. He leaned back, lacing his fingers around the golden band hugging his finger, the warm metal creasing his forehead. Broken promises hurt most when they came from the one person you were sure would never hurt you. “They're anti-depressants. I used them so I could still function on a daily basis, because breaking wasn't an option. I didn't tell you because I didn't know how to tell you.”

“Right. But you told Felicity, didn't you?”

The weight of his friend's words pulled the strings sewn through Dillon's jaw taut. “She...had a way of finding things out.”

“No kidding,” Zoran simpered. Though he was doing all he could not to let the corks on his anger pop, the pressure was mounting. Each word was more caustic than the last. “She used you, Dillon. The worst part was you just sat back and let her.”

“I didn't realize what she was doing. I was-”

“In love with her. Yeah, I know. And okay, it isn't totally fair for me to use her against you, with what happened-” Dillon's regard faltered- “but I can't help it. The whole time she was with you, it was like I wasn't there. Especially after she got sick.” Zoran paused to digest a deep breath. Once he had a decent reign on his emotions, he started again, tugging on the strings of his hoodie to occupy loose pebbles of energy. “She made you show her, didn't she?”

“No, Zoran.” Dillon knew the words would put a knife to a fresh burn, but he wouldn't lie. Not now. “You were right. I told her. I fell so hard that I thought I didn't need them anymore. And I thought she was the reason why.”

“Wow.” Zoran shook his head. “And what of it now?”

“Not letting you in was a mistake. But I need them again.”

“Why? Because you lost her?”

“Yes.” Dillon paused. He thought about telling Zoran exactly what had happened that night with Felicity, but in the heat of loss, the courage melted on his tongue before thought could become word. “But also because I...I lost...”

Their eyes connected, and in the mixing of green and blue, Zoran understood. “Me,” he finished. “You lost me.”

The silence that came over them was drenched with despair. Somewhere outside, the sound of laughter leaked through the cracks, and the two of them almost remembered what it had been like before. Funny how a few words- a single conversation- could taint a white memory so red.
A tiny splash warped the dust. Dillon looked up again. Zoran's eyes were puffy, swelled like overstuffed animals.

“I wish I could stay,” he said.

“I know.”

“I just...I can't...I can't kill anyone, Dillon, it's just too-”

Dillon shook his head. “I know. And I hope you never do what I did.”

“It isn't too late to turn back.”

“Isn't it?” Dillon glanced out the window, catching a surreal image of Felicity's beautiful face. But she was gone the moment he blinked. “Even if I stopped, I wouldn't be able to heal what matters. It's way too late for that.”

Zoran struggled to see clearly. It seemed a mutual agreement had washed over them. They rose to their feet in a mirror image, the reflection shattered when Dillon pulled the strap of his bag over his shoulder.
For several moments, they simply stared at each other. No one seemed to want to make the next move, knowing it was one step, one move closer to an inevitable verdict.

After what felt like a thousand agonizing lifetimes, Zoran finally shifted forward, gained momentum, and then practically threw his arms around the one person in this world that he would call brother. Dillon stumbled into another booth. “Bloody hell,” Zoran cried into his shoulder, not holding back. “Bloody HELL, DILLON!”
In a heartbeat, Dillon gave every ounce of his being to maintain his composure and return the embrace. Zoran's chest shivered, and if Dillon hadn't been grasping him so fiercely, he would've crumbled to the ground like the mystery cookies that fell apart in their fingertips-the ones they had once joked about here.

“Yeah,” Dillon breathed out slowly, closing his eyes as if doing so would make it all disappear. “Bloody hell.”

“Heh. I got you to say it.”

“Yeah.”

“Do...do we have to say goodbye?” Zoran's voice was choked. “Cause I kinda…hate those.”

“Me too,” Dillon said. Except...it was the sound of a truck crunching over gravel. Startled at the rift in his voice, Zoran was tempted to change his mind, yet he knew- if he wanted to live a healthy life, he couldn't stay.

Murky visions of sun sprinkling back into his vision, Dillon gradually let his death grip abate. His fingers loosened. His arms slouched. But his heart, pounding violently against his ribcage, begged him not to let go. Don't you dare let go.
Please. Not yet…
But one of the best things in his life was coming to a swift close, and he could no longer do anything to stop it. He would've traded anything for just a few more days; for a chance to reverse the sands that had pooled in the hourglass. Why was time such a virulent master?
Letting go hurt, but he did it.
Face to face with Zoran again, Dillon didn't dare blink...lest he melt away as Felicity had.

“Good luck,” Zoran nodded sincerely, bringing his hand up to his neck.

“Yeah,” Dillon barely managed a smile. “You too.”

And he watched, fists clamping to secure his rage, as Zoran's steps retreated. The door swung open with a loud creak, shut, and released a labored puff of dust. Dillon sat in the ghost of Zoran's shadow, on the right side of the booth.
Words swirled through the dust on the table there. One of them was muddied by moisture, but the message was still crystalline.

I'll miss you.

With his hands shaking, Dillon lit another cigarette.
I wrote this about two weeks ago. Things had been rough with a few relationships, and I was thinking about how I'm a senior, and after high school some good friends inevitably will fade away. That and how differing views could push people apart. Originally, Zoran was going to die with Felicity (more on that in "Marine Time"). But I decided I'd rather do this, and leave the option for a healing sometime later on...

Dillon is a protagonist in my current project, Bluff.

Hope you enjoyed it. :)





Dillon and Zoran belong to :iconthedoorwithin:

(Put in family life cause they're like bros?)
© 2015 - 2024 TheDoorWithin
Comments7
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mizzgamegirl's avatar
Ahhh I really love your descriptions and I love the way your characters interact and I just love your writing in general~
Great piece! Love to read more~